Waiting to Exhale

My life has been a whirlwind since last Tuesday. I was flying high after my doctors visit and ultrasound, then immediately started have painful contractions, which come to find out later was the beginning of my labor. Thursday my water broke around 7:20 am with Kaya home and Joey at work. She was awesome while we waited for him to get home so we could go to the hospital.
Jimi was born after a day of laboring and was sent to the nursery for observation of his lungs...later to be transferred to NICU. I have only held him twice, can barely touch him because they tell me that anything other than a firm touch on his head or bottom will startle him and what he needs now is the utmost rest to grow that lung tissue.

He is on a cpap machine that allows his little lungs to stay open, and is being given oxygen and IVs full of protein and vitamins and antibiotics to keep him strong until he can start eating. I have been pumping every 3 hours and freezing my milk so when he could start eating, the supply would be readily available to put in his feeding tube, which started this morning as a matter of fact. From here if he tolerates the milk, he will continue for a few days being fed like that, then once he is off the cpap, I can start breastfeeding. I'm a little worried at that point because my milk has now come in full force and I'm not sure if he will be ready to take on all of that milk the first time he feeds.

I am sore and just a little tired, but so far handling everything ok. I know he is healthy, just needs the extra help to be ready to take on this crazy world. I am dying to hold him and feed him and actually see his full face. And mostly to bond with him. I'm worried ( I know for no good reason) that he will have trouble bonding with me since we haven't had that closeness like most mothers have with their babies.

What I'm waiting for is to exhale and enjoy my newborn at home where he belongs without the restraints of the NICU and masks. To have our family home together as a whole. I know it won't be too long, but I can't control this, which I think is the hardest part of all of this for me.